Here comes the bride, all dressed in white, stressed out and frazzled. Weddings are supposed to be magical—the dress, the flowers, the perfect family smiling as you promise to cherish the love of your life always. But just the thought of everything that goes into the big day can send couples running to the nearest justice of the peace to elope.
How do you keep your nerves from getting frayed when your entire life is changing? Elaine Cole, MA, licensed Family and Marriage Therapist and member of the California Association of Marriage and Family explains that the key is open communication and perspective.
Why is a planning a wedding so stressful?
The pre-wedding stress is all that comes before the wedding date. When you think about it, a wedding is 20 to 30 years of hopes and dreams all in a six-hour time frame. The wedding day represents unlimited possibilities and new beginnings; there's so much stress because the evening has got to be right.
What factors cause pre-wedding stress?
Saying "I do" opens some doors but closes other. Vows are taken of promises of dedication and obligation to another person. A couple promises fidelity for a lifetime and that infidelity door closes. The other item of pre-wedding stress is expectations about the actual event are so high. A couple works a long time to make everything perfect. And they want to please everyone all the time. Additionally, introducing new people in a family can be very challenging. Making room for new families comes with a challenge, even if both sides dearly love the couple.
How do you prevent pre-wedding stress?
It's natural to be stressed before the wedding. Factor it in. It's going to happen.
Something really important about wedding stress is that there's also post-wedding stress. The couple often feels sad, and they don't mention it because they're embarrassed to think something is wrong after the wedding. The planning stages are intense, the wedding is a blur, the honeymoon can be plagued with conversations about what went wrong. It is important for couples to anticipate this, expect it and welcome the post-wedding blues as part of the package.
What I recommend to my premarital couples is to be aware of this, talk about all the possible stress factors and anticipate them. Know that they will occur. There are small occurrences like misspelled names, flowers not exactly as ordered, a few people that failed to respond to an RSVP and unhappy bridesmaids. These things will happen and they need to be factored into the wedding plans.
What are some signs of pre-wedding stress?
Worry is a sign of stress. Couples worry about who will and who will not make the A-list, or will grandma feel well enough to come to the wedding. Doubt is another sign of stress: "Am I doing the right thing?"
In my experience, all brides and grooms worry if they're making the right decision. Some want a guarantee that they'll live long and happy lives. The truth is, people come as is. They don't change, and the beginning signs of stress are worry and doubt.
Is stress ever a serious problem?
It can be more serious, but if it's an event that drives the stress, the stress will pass in time. Ask yourself, "When did this extreme stress begin?" If it began at the time of the wedding plans, then it's probably connected and will probably subside after the wedding. Are you thinking, "Oh, my God, I've made a mistake, I'm marrying the wrong guy"? Most people think that because they don't know what's going to happen.
The more serious signs would be if the bride or groom were not sleeping, sleeping too much, if there is noticeable weight gain or loss or an inability to cope at work.
Is there any way to ease your concerns about marriage?
Marriage is a risk. But look around you. If things feel wrong, don't ignore them. You have to open up and talk. There's no way to be sure, and that is why marriage is so scary. You have to open your eyes and respect the feelings that you have inside you.
People have a tendency to live in their own blind spots. For example, in a counseling session with a couple where the woman is coming to the marriage with a lot more money, we may talk about a prenuptial agreement, and she keeps dropping the subject. It's like her blind spot; she doesn't want to approach it. But this is something that's keeping her up at nights. And, if I don't bring it up again, it will go unnoticed. But the truth is, things really don't necessarily iron themselves out. Issues need to be talked about upfront, which is tough.
What normally happens during pre-marital counseling?
I'll start out with regular questions about "How many kids do you want? How will money be handled? What are your expectations about sex?" And just in those three pieces, I am not necessarily concerned with the answer, but how they communicate. If one is sort of afraid of the other, or I can see one of them sitting there and looking out their corner of their eyes wondering if the other one's going to react in a certain way, I'll nab that right at the moment and I'll say, "Wait a minute. You had a funny little reaction. Will you help me understand that?"
And what I try to do is to say to them, "You need to say it now. It's not going to go away. It's not so much that they disagree; it's how they handle the disagreement. Couples really need to trust that they will love each other when it's all said and done—and generally they do.
What advice would you give to a couple planning a wedding?
Each of the newlyweds should go to their respective families and ask the family what is important to them. And they need to let the family know that their desires will be considered, but that the final decisions rest with the couple. This is the first time a couple will be working together as man and wife, and they must put themselves in first place.
Second, the couple should ask for complete support from family and friends. Families sometimes need to be kept at bay. It is the toughest thing ever, but it is imperative. The couple has to take charge and gently move out nosy people. They do worry about ruining relationships with families, but what's most important is the couple, the preservation of the couple. What the bride and groom can do is call on a dearest ally, ask their permission for their absolute support until the wedding weekend is over.
Third, have open discussions about money, kids, where to live. Common worries and fears often come out when you have open discussion. Couples must air their wants, needs and desires before the wedding date, not after.
The fourth is look at the family you're marrying into. What you see in their family lives in the mind of your mate, whether it's alcoholism or financial debt. You've got to be upfront and talk about them.
Lastly, all couples should go for pre-marital and post-marital counseling sessions.
What are the emotional advantages that a couple can expect from marriage?
The upside of marriage is this: If you respect and honor your mate, he or she will point out your worries, notice when you're so amped-up you can't even see straight, know when you're paralyzed, and they'll help each other live a good and productive life. In other words, a respectful couple acts as a check and balance for each other.
The real upside to marriage is that, if you've got a good team going, wonderful things happen.
